


My Worst Distraction

by Beauty4estGreen



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, Gen, Homosexuality, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Overcompensation, Pre-Slash, Slow Burn, Therapy, eventual slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7341892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beauty4estGreen/pseuds/Beauty4estGreen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Diamond is shallow. His greatest dream is to be famous. His most prized possession is his lucky comb. He carries head shots in his pockets. He has nothing without his image. Everyone knows that. Everyone except his friends, who know better.</p>
<p>Kendall doesn't want to believe Logan when he points out something is wrong with James. But the piling evidence is hard to ignore, and damn it, Kendall is a leader. One of his guys needs help, and he's not gonna let his best friend dissolve in Hollywood's vortex of sex and glitter and camera flashes.</p>
<p>Rated for language and some adult content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I saw the flames burn out in your eyes

Kendall could not fucking  _ believe  _ that of all the band members, he and Carlos were the ones on time. Sure showed them, though, because they were supposed to begin rehearsal an hour ago and Logan and James were still nowhere to be found.

Gustavo had yelled, taken a deep breath, and crashed through the recording booth door to go smash some plates. Kelly was making phone call after phone call while Kendall and Carlos resorted to sitting cross-legged on the floor for a staring contest.

Carlos won – for the fourth time in a row. Kendall snapped his eyes shut with a disgruntled  _ “Come on!” _ and rolled onto his back, aggressively rubbing his eyelids. Carlos popped up, whooping, and began a victory dance. It involved way too much hip rolling for Kendall’s comfort.

“ _ How _ do you do that?” he demanded. “You get distracted by butterflies!”

Carlos replied jovially, “Ain’t no butterflies in here, brother!”

From across the studio, they heard Gustavo bellow a command. Kelly hung up her cell. Kendall sprung to his feet in time for Freighttrain to walk in with Logan slung over one shoulder and James over the other. They were bickering incomprehensibly over each other, and continued to do so when they were dropped to the floor. They got to their feet and began shoving each other.

“You have no right – ”

“ – taking  _ forever _ James _ –  _ ”

“ – body is a temple – ”

“ – no guy ever – ”

“ –  _ lucky comb _ – ”

“ – make Gustavo kill us!”

Carlos jumped between them and backed Logan away while Kendall grabbed James by the shoulders and pushed him back. “Guys, chill out!” Logan crossed his arms. James pouted and “fixed” his hair. Kendall released his hold on him.

“DOGS!” The word reverberated painfully through the room, and the boys clutched their ears. “Do I even  _ want  _ to know why the hell you two were so late today???!”

Logan said, “James absolutely refused to come out of the bathroom.”

James quickly followed, “It took so long, because  _ Logan _ kept messing up my routine!”

Logan snorted. “You know what, screw your routine.”

James gasped, and Kendall pushed a hand against his chest to keep him from attacking Logan.

“So I’ll take that as a big fat NO,” Gustavo yelled. “Because I  _ don’t _ care about your personal problems. Don’t be late! Got it?”

The four boys nodded and assented. Gustavo dropped into his chair and glowered.

Kelly pushed the intercom. “All right guys, we’re going to have to run late today –” (Carlos groaned and Kendall glared as his other friends) “ – oh shut it. Let’s start with  _ Boyfriend _ .”

 

Five hours, too much dancing, a sore throat, and four aching asses later the boys groaned their way into the apartment. Carlos immediately perked up and charged for the sandwiches Mama Knight left on the kitchen counter. Logan collapsed onto the couch. James announced that he was going to take a shower but Kendall grabbed his arm. “Not so fast.” He kicked the front door closed and directed James toward the couch, who reluctantly sat.

“Okay.” All of Kendall’s muscles hurt like hell, but he forced himself to remain standing. He glared at James and Logan. “Thanks to  _ you two, _ today Gustavo worked our butts off –  _ literally _ . So what the hell happened? So we can make sure that it never happens again.”

“Logan was being mean!”

Logan had all but melted into the couch cushions, but he still managed to look superior. “Real mature, James. We were running twenty minutes late because sir Overlord of Beauty over there couldn’t tear himself away from the mirror.”

Distressed, James refuted, “I was having a  _ really _ bad hair day – which I know isn’t often – and I needed to be extra careful about it.”

“He was finally done, but he walked into a door –”

“You were pulling me!”

“ – so of course he had to start  _ all over again _ . And I may have kinda lost it a little.” He finished the sentence sheepishly. Kendall looked to James for clarification.

The latter’s lip trembled. “He broke my mirror!” Kendall face-palmed. “And he tried to get my lucky comb!”

“Look, I’m sorry I broke it. And you can be reassured that I’ll have seven years of bad luck because of it.” James nodded, slightly appeased, and Logan shrugged at Kendall like  _ I don’t know _ . “But dude, your attachment to that mirror and comb is really unhealthy.”

James looked scandalized. “That is  _ not true.” _ He looked at Kendall for support.

Normally, Kendall tried to be a little tactful about his friend’s personal beauty quirk. The fights just weren’t worth it. But he was tired, lactic acid was building up in his muscles, and his ears still rung from Gustavo’s shouting – and it was James’ fault.

“Man, you were an  _ hour _ late for rehearsal today. You take forever to groom and for what? It’s just the four of us in a room working with no one else but Kelly and Gustavo there. Five other people and none of us gives a crap what you look like!”

James’ face visibly fell, indignant expression melting. Running a hand through his sweat-damp hair, he said, “Okay fine, whatever. I’m gonna go get clean now.” He walked off to the bathroom, trademark saunter visibly missing. Kendall watched him go, taken aback. He’d expected a push-back from James; he had never been one to just  _ take _ a lecture like that. He always argued, always defended himself. Kendall groaned. He  _ so _ did not have the energy for a kicked-puppy guilt trip.

He turned back to Logan. “That was weird, right?”

“Dude, you were pretty rough on him right there,” Carlos commented from his kitchen stool. He took another big bite of his sandwich.

Kendall sighed and flopped down next to Logan, who appeared to be deep in thought. Slowly he said, “I’m worried about James.”

Carlos waved a hand dismissively. “He’ll be fine.”

“Like he was just now?”

“I’ll apologize to him later okay? We’re just exhausted,” Kendall exclaimed.

Logan sat up. “I mean that James has been disturbingly narcissistic lately. And no one should take what Kendall just said that hard.”

“James has always been self-absorbed. And a drama queen.”

“It’s just James,” Carlos added. “It’s not like he has Hollywood Fever again.”

“Wait, could he?” Kendall asked.

“No, I think it’s worse,” Logan said. “James caring about his image is one thing. But this ridiculously excessive obsession with his appearance is probably symptomatic of some deeper problem, like supressed feelings of inadequacy due to - ”

“ENGLISH.”

Logan took a breath. “I think he needs to see a therapist.”

Kendall stood up. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Okay. Isn’t that jumping the gun just a little bit?”

Logan stood too, swayed a little, then sat down again. “James used to be much more laid-back than this.”

“He’s fine!” Kendall insisted. “It’s just this town that’s gotten into his head a little. He’s allowed to go a bit crazy.”

Carlos interjected, “Besides, none of us are the same as we were in Minnesota.” 

Kendall made a  _ see? _ gesture at Logan.

Logan raised his hands in surrender. “You’ve known him the longest, Kendall. You think he’s okay? Fine. I’m going to sleep.” He marched off and disappeared around the corner.

Kendall turned to Carlos, who shrugged. “Sandwich?”

 


	2. You kicking me out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James’ behavior was bugging Kendall. The guy was a lot of things, but mean was not one of them. Kendall had never known James to hurt any of his friends so blatantly. He may have a history of being kind of insensitive, but ditching them without a word was a whole new fucking level.

Kendall didn’t lose any sleep over Logan’s words. He apologized to James the next morning for being snappy, and they were all good. He had other things to worry about - like the Chemistry homework he just couldn’t seem to get.

Seriously, wasn’t this supposed to be science? It felt a lot more like really convoluted math.

Logan was long finished and watching a documentary in the living room. It was  _ really _ distracting.

Another ten minutes and Kendall knew everything he never wanted to about the mating ritual of the platypus. “Dude! Would you turn that off and help me out here?”

Logan bent his head over the back of the couch to look at him. “You’re still not finished?”

“Please?”

Sighing, Logan switched off the documentary and sat down next to Kendall. “Okay, where are you confused?”

Of course chemistry seemed a lot simpler when Logan explained it. He’d never know what the fuck is wrong with textbooks that they had to be so confusing.

They were almost finished when Carlos banged the front door open. “Do you guys know where James is?”

“Date, I think,” Kendall said. He didn’t actually know, but if James couldn’t be found then he was probably with a girl.

Logan confirmed. “Yeah, I saw him leaving an hour ago with...Sandy?”

“I thought he was dating Caroline?”

“No, they broke up two days ago.”

Carlos exclaimed, “Come on!” He slammed the door shut  and fell into a chair. “We were supposed to get pies and go see that new horror movie today.”

“He  _ ditched _ you?”

Now, Kendall really hadn’t been thinking about what Logan said. But now that the idea was out in the open, the words echoed in the back of his head. Because James, and self-centered and obnoxious and he was, didn’t ditch his friends when they made plans - date or not.

_ She must be really hot _ , Kendall thought. And he pushed the whole thing out of his mind and focused on his last few homework problems.

***

Two days later he found James at the Palm Woods pool. He was stretched out tanning  on a pool chair.. His sunglasses and shirt lay next to him, leaving his face and muscled upper body exposed to the fall sunlight. Kendall ran up to him, bare-footed, in full hockey gear with his skates slung over his shoulder.

“Hey.” James grunted in response, not opening his eyes. “Get up, we’re gonna play some lobby hockey.”

James didn’t move. “You guys go ahead, I’m staying here for a while.”

“What?” Kendall peered down at him. “Dude, lobby hockey. Crashing into Bitters’ desk. Vandalism.” He poked him with his hockey stick. All that earned him was a glare.

“Dude, it takes time and effort for perfection. I’ve got to even out this tan,” James said, gesturing down his smooth torso. If he had any tan lines, Kendall couldn’t see them.

“You look fine. Come on, get up, you love vandalism.”

“Just go do it without me today.”

“We can’t play with three guys, there won’t be even teams.”

“Well, I’m not moving.”

Annoyed and confused, Kendall picked up a bottle of sunscreen and chucked it at James’ face. “I hope you get skin cancer.” He bolted before his friend could reply.

Logan and Carlos complained loudly when he told them James wasn’t coming. Carlos hit some luggage with his hockey stick while Logan muttered a couple vulgar curses under his breath. Kendall told them to chill, but he knew how they felt. They ended up playing a particularly violent game of one-on-one-on-one that was over in about twenty minutes. Kendall was pretty sure he had some bruised ribs, and his left shoulder fucking hurt. Carlos drove (which was terrifying in and of itself) them to Dr. Hollywood to make sure Logan didn’t have a concussion and to relocate Kendall’s shoulder.

James came back to 2J in the early evening and went straight to his room. He didn’t emerge until an hour later, impeccably dressed and groomed. He grabbed his keys and wallet and waved to Kendall and Logan where they were spread out sore and recuperating on the couch. “See you guys later,” he called.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Logan said, “where are you going?”

“On a date.”

“What the hell, James, it’s Fish Stick Friday.”

“And absolutely everywhere, except apparently in this apartment, Friday night is known as date night.” He pointed two fingers at them, winked, and opened the door.

“So what?” Kendall called after him. “You’re just gonna miss fish sticks?”

James yelled over his shoulder, “We’re getting dinner!” before the front door shut behind him.

Carlos chose that moment to bound into the room. He’d gotten last dibs on the shower since, ironically, he was the least injured out of the three of them. “Where’s James? He’s not in our room.”

“Out. With a girl.” Logan nestled deeper into the cushions and pressed his bag of ice against his head.

Carlos’ expression froze. “What? No, he can’t be, it’s Fish Stick Friday. He’ll be back any minute.”

“He just left, Carlos,” Kendall told him. Carlos’ face fell and he sat down on the couch. Kendall gripped his friend’s shoulder and suggested that they play a video game until his mom made dinner. He met Logan’s pointed gaze for a moment, then stubbornly looked away.

Katie was the one who lifted their spirits that night. She challenged Kendall to a fish stick eating contest, and well - he just couldn’t let that stand. Logan timed them, and Katie narrowly won by four fish sticks. Apparently she was hitting a bigger growth spurt than him. She played Zombpire Apocalypse with them and jumped on Carlos’ back when she lost in the first ten minutes. She didn’t come up for swirly slide time with them though. But when Kendall went down second, and ended up stuck inside the yellow plastic  and sandwiched between Carlos and Logan, it became clear that Katie had covered the slide’s exit with several layers of plastic wrap while they were finishing their video game. That kid was going to be their overlord someday.

But when Mama Knight declared the apartment officially asleep for the night, James’ behavior began bugging him again. James was a lot of things, but mean was not one of them. Kendall had never known him to hurt any of his friends so blatantly - especially Carlos. He was his little buddy. He may have a history of being kind of insensitive, but ditching Carlos without a word was a whole new fucking level. Logan may have had a point about whatever he said about excessive narcissism.

Kendall  _ really  _ didn’t want to think about this.

After everyone else had gone to bed, Kendall stayed up and waited for James to come home. He looked up from his book when he finally heard the door quietly click open and shut. James looked surprised to see Kendall on the couch in his pajamas, awake and with the lights on.

“Hey. Why are you still up?”

Kendall stood up. “James, what the hell’s been going on with you?”

James rubbed his eyes. “Dude, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Well, this week you’ve ditched all of us twice, and Carlos three times.” Kendall walked towards James. 

He shrugged. “I don’t think it’s that big a deal.”

“Yeah, well, tell that to Carlos. He’s pretty upset with you.”

“Hm. It’s not Carlos who’s all up in my face right now.” James got in Kendall’s face for good measure. “What the hell is your problem, man?”

Kendall could feel James’ breath on his face. He could smell something like perfume faintly coming off of him. It all made him uncomfortable, but he was too irritated to back down. “Dude, if you’ve got a date you need to tell us. Don’t just leave Carlos wondering where the hell you are, or the rest of us without any warning.”

“Kendall, just because you can’t get over Jo leaving you doesn’t mean I can’t go on dates.”

All right. Now he was pissed.

He shoved James into the wall. “James, this ends now. You’ve got to stop being such a dick all the time.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He pushed him back. 

“Nothing, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

The argument swiftly devolved into a fight - the kind with hitting, shoving, ribbing, and all the ungraceful teenage boy wrestling that Kendall’s aching body just didn’t need at the time. 

Kendall had James in an awkward headlock when the latter grunted, “I don’t actually need your permission to do anything, Kendall - this isn’t Minnesota!”

“You know, you might want to look a little harder at yourself next time you’re staring in one of your mirrors!”

At that James stopped struggling. Kendall, exhausted and completely fed up, released his old friend and stomped toward his room. His mother stopped him just outside her door. That’s when he remembered that everyone else had been trying to sleep.

“Mom, I’m so sorry - ”

“Kendall,” she said sternly. “Whatever is going on, keep it during daylight hours. Understand?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Good.” Still giving him her trademark Stare of Admonishment (coined as such by Logan), she disappeared into her bedroom. He went back to his own and flopped down onto his bed, yanking the covers over himself. His blood was burning, so he closed his eyes and tried to relax, waiting for the fire to dissipate from his veins.

Logan, whom Kendall had hoped was still long asleep, spoke from across their bedroom, “You guys weren’t exactly quiet just now, you know.”

Kendall sighed. “I’m sorry.”

His roommate waited a beat for speaking again. “You can’t fix this one, Kendall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, James has gone a bit crazy. Please leave a comment! I thrive off of them.


	3. The things we never say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this is about...eight months late. I'm sorry about that. Either way, enjoy!

The next day was a Saturday, and Kendall didn’t see James all morning. He strode into 2J an hour before rehearsal, obviously having just got back from the gym. His chest heaved and his skin glistened with sweat. He showered, groomed, and was shoved out the door by Logan and Carlos. He didn’t say a word to Kendall. Good. Kendall didn’t feel like talking.

Gustavo stopped in his tracks, mid-sip from a large mug of coffee (like he needed the caffeine), when they pushed open the doors to Roque Records and all strolled in.

“Dogs. Why are you on time?” He demanded.

“Why are you complaining?” Logan asked.

“I’m not. Get your butts in the studio. Now!”

They hadn’t had such a stressful day’s work since their first week. They didn’t spend any time in the recording booth this time, thank God, but James made sure to keep both Carlos and Logan between him and Kendall throughout the day. Gustavo had them doing harmonies for several hours, because they were consistently off.

Kendall had a difficult time focusing on the music. He and James hadn’t had such a serious falling out since they were kids. Like, they fought all the time, but the one last night had somehow gotten personal in a way that they couldn’t just hug out with an apology and some pizza.

He wasn’t the only one having trouble, though. James messed up harmonies as many times as Kendall did. Carlos, clearly still upset at James for ditching him, was off-pitch almost more than he was on. By the time lunchtime rolled around, everyone was getting frustrated. Gustavo stopped them and took a deep, calming breath that meant they were about to feel his wrath.

“What. The hell. Is going on?! You all haven’t sounded this bad since Carlos farted into the mic at his audition!” Logan snorted. When nobody answered, Gustavo sighed and continued, “We’re done with harmonies today. I can’t listen to your yowling another minute. Get some hot dogs or whatever and be back in half an hour.” He made his exit with a manly flare. Carlos defiantly avoided James’ eyes and walked out close on Gustavo’s heels.

After a tense lunch, they worked on dance routines. That’s when James decided to start being a little bitch.

He didn’t have the option of staying as far away from Kendall as possible this time, because Mr. X’s formation had them next to each other for most of this specific dance. Kendall could feel the tension radiating off of James’ body. He kept making small mistakes, which got progressively worse and more frequent as he became more frustrated. It all came to a head when Kendall accidentally stepped on his foot.

“Ow! Kendall, watch where you’re stomping!”

“I was completely on beat, you’re the one who was in the wrong spot!”

James melodramatically hopped away on one foot and bumped into Carlos, who promptly tacked him with an equally melodramatic war cry. They wrestled and shouted at each other. Logan tried to pull James off Carlos, but all that got him was an elbow to the collarbone. As Kendall hauled him up and checked for anything serious, Logan gave him a look. The kind of look that came with a raised eyebrow, crossed arms, and _I-told-you-so_ lip pursing. Kendall made a very different face back and resisted the urge to shove him back to the floor.

He didn’t really feel like breaking up his other friends’ fight.

Gustavo hollered through the speakers. Freight Train ambled in and unceremoniously pulled James and Carlos apart. James’ shirt had ridden up and his face flushed a deep scarlet. He adjusted his clothes. Carlos, shoulders tense and panting heavily, tried to storm out of the room but was intercepted by Gustavo. He shouted, “Line up!”

Carlos begrudgingly complied along with the others, on the opposite end of James. Kendall swore he heard him sniff and saw tears under his eyes.

Gustavo paced in front of them for a couple of minutes, glowering at them from behind his scarlet-black shades. They all fidgeted.

Kendall couldn’t take it anymore. “Gustavo - ”

“Shut it!” Kendall bit his tongue. “I don’t know what’s going on with you dogs. And normally, I wouldn’t care. But you all. Sound. Awful.” Gustavo’s voice dropped an octave on the last word. “In fact – and I thought I’d kiss Matthew McConaughey before I said this – Logan was the best singer and dancer today.”

Logan smirked wryly, with one eyebrow approaching his hair. James pouted. He crossed his arms and glared at the floor. Kendall saw the cords in his arms popping out, muscles drawn tight.

“Carlos and James: you’re going to work out whatever the hell it is you need to work out, and start being good at your job again.” James flinched. Carlos glared at James. “And Kendall is going to drop the apathy.”

Kendall felt his eyebrows shoot up off his forehead. “Apathy?”

“You have not mouthed off once all day. It’s freaking me out!” He turned to the rest of the band. “You all have two days to work out your shit. And you better be better by Tuesday. Rehearsal is finished. Get out.”

James was out the door first. Logan and Carlos gathered their stuff more slowly, heads close together and talking quietly as they left. Logan squeezed his shoulder in a comforting gesture. Kendall tried to follow, but was blocked by Kelly sliding into his path.

“What’s going on, Kendall?”

“That is an excellent question.”

“Don’t get smart with me. I’ve never seen the four of you fight this badly before.”

Kendall huffed a sigh. “James is being a grade-A butthole. Okay?”

She nodded skeptically. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“I don’t know, Kelly!” Kendall felt his frustration in his whole body. “He’s not playing hockey, skipping Fish Stick Friday, ditching Carlos for girls, Logan’s psycho-lasering – ”

“You mean psychoanalyzing?”

“ – whatever, and he gets home at midnight, and we get into this real fight…” Kendall trailed off.

Kelly was giving him the _eye_. It was uncomfortably similar to Logan’s _eye_. The hell? “You sound worried about him.”

Whoa, back up. “I’m not worried, he just needs to snap out of it. It’s like Hollywood Fever again with the orange spray crap, but on steroids or something.” Hang on.  
“Kelly, could that be what’s making James such a dick? Is this like, Hollywood Fever level three?”

“Maybe. Or something worse.”

“Worse?”

“Work it out, Kendall. I do not care how as long as you leave me out of it. You guys may be teenagers, but you’re professionals now. Act like it.” Kelly turned on her heel and walked back in the direction of her office.

Kendall stared after her. “What, that’s it? What do you mean worse? Kelly if you know something – ” The door thudded shut. “Great.”

_“Knight! I told you to GET OUT.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for commenting and pushing me to update. It's been a stressful school year, and I make no promises about the consistency of updates. However, do know that I still love this story and I'm not ready to just abandon it. I've got a planned arc.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by the episode "Big Time Tests" and my annoyance at James Diamond's frequently 2D character. This is me trying to flesh him out - in a certain context, of course. Please leave a comment!
> 
> Story and chapter titles are from the songs "All of Me" by John Legend and "Unspoken" by Hurts.


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